Ode to a Baylor Bear
Baylor. The home of Baptists, Bake-Sales, and Belligerent Bears. There have been rumors circulating around the Men of Galaxy concerning our recent expedition to Waco. I would like to take this opportunity to both confirm and deny the aforesaid rumors. 1. Yes, we did go to Baylor. Although the reasons behind this impulse remain mysterious to this day. It all began with a cookout. And water. We drank some water (purified) and cooked out. Turff talked to one of his female acquaintances on his cellular phone, the next thing you know, a water bottle was smashed on the driveway, we loaded into Mitchell’s beamer, got hit on by an old lady in Hico, three minutes later, we were in Waco. I have a theory as to why we went. This girl that Turff was talking to. She said that in Waco, we could find a life-sized statue of Milovan Djilas (Djilas is an obscure Serbian nationalist, who was apart of the communist government under Tito there during the Cold War. He wrote a book. Entitled: Conversations with Stalin. He wrote after having some conversations with Josef Stalin, as indicated by the title. Djilas has a lot of insight into the cultural and social causes that led to the breakup of Yugoslavia in the earl 1990’s. This is all interesting enough, and a sufficient reason for driving to Waco. However, there’s more. Legend has it that this statue actually contains the keys to a 1988 Volvo. We ain’t tryin’ to pass up a Volvo.). Needless to say, we wanted that statue, and Turff wanted a wife.
Upon arrival, we discovered that Turff’s girl’s previously supposed hot roommates were, in fact, not hot at all. They were obese. Not in the way that Luis can look past. But, like Luis. Think Luis with long hair and make up. And tighter clothes. And some of those big bead necklaces. Good. You’ve now got a good mental image of the roommates. This was the last time we saw Turff the entire weekend. He went upstairs and didn’t come down until Sunday. I can only assume that he got lost on the staircase. The only other plausible explanation would be a Time Continuum Vortex. But. Those are very rare, and usually only seen in Back to the Future. Me, Mitchell, and Chrane decided to search for the statue. We went to two frat houses. Were unimpressed. Peed on an air conditioner. Yelled at people. Met a guy named Barrett who had a helicopter. Yelled at more people. Went back to our original destination. Disappointed in the lack of action. Chrane and Mitchell went to bed.
There’s been a lot of talk about me waking up in some strange girls bathroom with all of my clothes on. I believe it stems from one of my very good friends bathroom exploit in the kitchen last year. I’d like to explain myself. Yes. I did wake up in a strange girls bathroom with all of my clothes on. But. There was a reason.
I was going about my normal bathroom business on that fateful Friday night. I was done, and washing my hands. I watched as soap bubbles sopped off of my now pure hands. When I looked into the mirror, I saw something I never would have thought I would see. Instead of staring back at myself, I found myself staring at Pope Benedict XVI (Late me take this opportunity to say that I have nothing against Roman Catholics. I dislike Canadian Catholics, because of what they stand for, but the Roman ones are alright with me. In fact, I think they’re pretty progressive. I can guarantee you that my preacher would never wear a dress and a three-foot tall hat to the pulpit. That’s groundbreaking. What’s even more groundbreaking is that they’ve been breaking that same ground for the past 2,000 years. That’s dedication. Plus, their stained glass windows are way tighter than our stained glass windows). Me and Benny stood their for a few minutes. He smiled. I laughed. We discussed Transubstantiation. Pro’s and Con’s. Then we got down to business. Benny informed me that he was not in this particular mirror merely to expand my theological perspective. He wanted to tell me where the Djilas statue was. It was in the mirror. This girl had one of those especially sweet mirrors that open and you can store like your toothpaste, toothbrush, and razors and stuff in. This especially special mirror was even more especially special than I or Benny had bargained on. It contained the Djilas statue and the Volvo. How those two monstrously huge and cool things fit into the mirror I don’t think I’ll ever know. I personally think that an ancient wizard was involved; Turff thinks it was just the ghost of Nathan Bedford Forest having a laugh. I spent the rest of the night trying to figure out how to get the Volvo out of the bathroom. I finally got it out. It’s at Bynum’s house. Seriously. Check it out. I pretended to be asleep the next morning as a cover. I didn’t want those Luis-esque females to try to jack it and the statue from me. It was a glorious adventure.
Blues balls were not involved in this trip.
Blue Ballas were. (We each wore a blue shirt at least once on this trip.)
Follow Ron Paul’s lead and vote for a third party candidate.
Somebody call Drewery. Bid Night’s the 19th.
Posted by Bradley on 09/10 at 03:43 PM
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Reasons Why Jordan Fox and Hudson Kennedy Should Be on G-2, and a Treatise on Justin Morgan
I have to say, I was rather disappointed with my placement on the Galaxy roster this year. A lot of guys got moved down a team, but I was moved down 4 teams. From hero to zero. From my level of awesomeness to Taylor’s level of awesomeness. I genuinely thought I have proved myself on the field of battle last year. I picked up the tee like a champ. I kept Seth’s mind right. I even tried to get Fat Bynum to show up. My efforts have proved worthless. However, my disappoint in my own placement is nothing compared to disgustingly denigrating act of placing Jordan Ray Fox and Hudson Kennedy on G-3. It is in defense of their honor and supernatural abilities upon the football field that I write this article.
Jordan Fox was born in Russia in 1974. Hence his Russian name and proclivity to hairy females with bad teeth. It was during the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant accident of the 1980’s that Jordan discovered a talent that would lead him to success across the would be grid-iron. (Aside: I’ve never understood why exactly a football field is called a grid iron. When I think grid iron, I think of the griddle my mother used to cook breakfast. Breakfast consists of eggs, bacon, pancakes, and Tim. So, when I think of the Grid Iron, I think of Tim running naked around a hot griddle chasing after a particularly elusive piece of bacon. As far as I know, despite the fact that this scenario requires a serious amount of determination and athleticism, this is not football. I therefore advocate a change in football terminology. Email with your comments and financial pledges of support). The nuclear accident and the nuclear fluid that covered Jordan’s body head to toe caused Jordan to become a rather uncoordinated and unintimidating, but nevertheless, white rapper. I just don’t know how you turn that down. At least for diversity’s sake you should at least put someone on the team that’s close to being a minority, or at least knows a minority. I mean. He raps. He has Air Force One’s. This one time I saw him making greens and grits. I have no idea what exactly greens are, but, I’m pretty sure they speak for themselves… and for Jordan. Give the boy a chance. He might just sing you a song.
Hudson is the son of Greek god. Albeit, not one of those real tight gods like Zeus or Hephaestus, or the supremely stellar Ares. He’s the son of Hermes. So. That’s pretty much it. I think it’d be cool to have some one part-deity on the team. I don’t typically agree with metaphysically mixed marriages. But, this seems alright. And, Hud’s a pretty cool guy. So.
A Treatise on Justin Morgan
I have never liked Justin Morgan. I disagree with his existence.
I would like to say that I support Trenton and his shaved head. But. Should we lose a game. Even though I support him. There is a good chance that I will set him on fire.
Tim you’re my hero. Eat strong.
Posted by Bradley on 09/02 at 10:51 AM
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A Retrospective Look Back at the Life and Times of Daniel Patrick Bynum: Part II
Part II: The Prestige
Daniel and Chris hit Abilene with the force of a Raptor in heat. (Aside: I’ve never actually encountered a Raptor in heat, but I assume it would be quite a fearsome thing to run across. That’s why I used it as an analogy. I figured that would really get the point across. Should you ever encounter a raptor in heat, take a picture, draw a picture, paint a picture, and then call 325.674.2300. Ask for Garrett Winder’s dead aunt. At this point you’ll be redirected to an operator in Bratislava. She’s going to have a really strong accent and is going to mention the Nuremburg Trials a lot, but don’t let it bother you, she’s just venting. Her second cousin was tried there. Her name is Anastasiya. Be kind, she really is a sweet lady. She’ll transfer you to Garrett. Tell Garrett what you saw and send him the picture/drawing/painting. He’ll tell me. I’ll thank you. It’ll be a gas. Then proceed to the nearest drug store. Ask for Hydrocodeine. You’ve just seen a raptor dude, you’re gonna need something...). They eventually sold the rights to Domino’s to a local man named David Pittman, the only black white man in Abilene at that time. With the proceeds from their sale they embarked upon a grand quest to harness the power of wind. Too many it seemed boring, and they were right. Jew Coggin was convinced that the saggy skin of a Bulgarian Yak would catch the power of wind like a sail. So, he bought a yak, put it on a boat and hoped for the best. Unfortunately, the only thing that caught the wind on the gusty day was Coggin’s Jew Fro. He flew for 11 miles. It was a glorious occasion. Coggin had created flight. Human flight. No planes. No wings. Not necessary. Coggin flew using only his pure Jewness. However, this was nothing compared to what Daniel would do only two days later.
Daniel had no use for flight. He could teleport. In fact he once teleported in on Nelson Mandela and Jody Foster. It was a weird experience. Something he hasn’t forgotten to this day. Flesh. Black. White. Somewhat Greasy. But this is beside the point. The point is this: Daniel was about to do something no other man has done before or since. A feat that is no less than incredible. Danger that is no doubt undeniable. And for a cause that was obviously questionable…
Posted by Bradley on 05/26 at 04:42 PM
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Give that Baby Some Candy: A Retrospective Look Back at the Life and Times of Daniel Patrick Bynum
I’ve always felt that Daniel Bynum has been a mystery, an enigma if you will to the Men of Galaxy. He rarely speaks, he rarely moves, and he has no need for intramural practice. I’m often questioned by other Moonies as to Dan’s composition… Is he real? How tall is he? Is it true he’s Canadian? Is he actually just a holographic projection of some ancient Persian warrior from another time and place? Does he have a car? How many dialects of rural Chinese does he speak? Is it true he can fly? It is because of these questions, and because of his very nature that I have decided to embark upon a series entitled: Give that Baby Some Candy: A Retrospective Look Back at the Life and Times of Daniel Patrick Bynum.
Part I: The Enigma
Daniel grew up in the rugged northlands of Canada, known today as the Labrador. He was raised by a group of marauding vikings that were on a cruise from Iceland to Jamaica. He was taken in by a rather ugly man named Ludwig. Ludwig taught Dan many things, but Dan soon tired of his tutelage. So, Dan killed him, took his money, moved to New York and invested his newly acquired wealth with a rather curious Jew named Chris Coggin. Chris and Dan had a grand time in New York. They funded and built the Empire State Building. They filmed the movie Gangs of New York on location, and they fought with well-known Tennessean Davy Crockett at the heroic defense of the Alamo in Times Square. But, they soon grew tired of the hustle and bustle that is New York City, and so they decided to move south. On their way across the Mason-Dixon Line, Dan and Chris effectively started the American Civil War when they humorously decided to give Abraham Lincoln a wet willie. Old Abe mistakenly identified Chris and Dan as Southerners, and thus decided that all Southerners were douche bags, and so he sent the Union Army south to rid America of all would be “Potential Wet Willie Perpetrators.” Abe had always hated wet willies. See, your history teachers were right, the Civil War was never about slavery.
Chris and Dan fought at the battle of Bull Run where Chris accidentally killed General Stonewall Jackson with one of those Jewish dradle things. They soon became tired, hungry, and both honestly felt that their gray rebel uniforms were washing out their skin tones, so they deserted the Confederate forces and began heading to Texas, where Chris was sure they would find Atlantis. Well, they never did find Atlantis, but they did found the pizza chain known today as Domino’s. Everybody loved Domino’s, so they decided to expand. First north, then south, then east, and finally west… eventually they ended up in Abilene, TX. There, their real story begins…
Posted by Bradley on 05/26 at 04:41 PM
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In Memory of that Dude at the Yonder Mountain Concert
Two days ago I encountered a man simply referred to as “The Dude.” This is in remembrance of him.
He danced like a tribal warrior from Zimbabwe.
All the hot chicks are at the airport by Disney World.
If Sing Song were a mythical creature, it would be a Vampire, because it sucks the life out of you.
Mason Singleton is like a really tall Ghandi with a beard.
Posted by Bradley on 05/26 at 04:40 PM
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