Give that Baby Some Candy: A Retrospective Look Back at the Life and Times of Daniel Patrick Bynum
I’ve always felt that Daniel Bynum has been a mystery, an enigma if you will to the Men of Galaxy. He rarely speaks, he rarely moves, and he has no need for intramural practice. I’m often questioned by other Moonies as to Dan’s composition… Is he real? How tall is he? Is it true he’s Canadian? Is he actually just a holographic projection of some ancient Persian warrior from another time and place? Does he have a car? How many dialects of rural Chinese does he speak? Is it true he can fly? It is because of these questions, and because of his very nature that I have decided to embark upon a series entitled: Give that Baby Some Candy: A Retrospective Look Back at the Life and Times of Daniel Patrick Bynum.
Part I: The Enigma
Daniel grew up in the rugged northlands of Canada, known today as the Labrador. He was raised by a group of marauding vikings that were on a cruise from Iceland to Jamaica. He was taken in by a rather ugly man named Ludwig. Ludwig taught Dan many things, but Dan soon tired of his tutelage. So, Dan killed him, took his money, moved to New York and invested his newly acquired wealth with a rather curious Jew named Chris Coggin. Chris and Dan had a grand time in New York. They funded and built the Empire State Building. They filmed the movie Gangs of New York on location, and they fought with well-known Tennessean Davy Crockett at the heroic defense of the Alamo in Times Square. But, they soon grew tired of the hustle and bustle that is New York City, and so they decided to move south. On their way across the Mason-Dixon Line, Dan and Chris effectively started the American Civil War when they humorously decided to give Abraham Lincoln a wet willie. Old Abe mistakenly identified Chris and Dan as Southerners, and thus decided that all Southerners were douche bags, and so he sent the Union Army south to rid America of all would be “Potential Wet Willie Perpetrators.” Abe had always hated wet willies. See, your history teachers were right, the Civil War was never about slavery.
Chris and Dan fought at the battle of Bull Run where Chris accidentally killed General Stonewall Jackson with one of those Jewish dradle things. They soon became tired, hungry, and both honestly felt that their gray rebel uniforms were washing out their skin tones, so they deserted the Confederate forces and began heading to Texas, where Chris was sure they would find Atlantis. Well, they never did find Atlantis, but they did found the pizza chain known today as Domino’s. Everybody loved Domino’s, so they decided to expand. First north, then south, then east, and finally west… eventually they ended up in Abilene, TX. There, their real story begins…
Posted by Bradley on 05/26 at 04:41 PM
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