Ode to a Baylor Bear
Baylor. The home of Baptists, Bake-Sales, and Belligerent Bears. There have been rumors circulating around the Men of Galaxy concerning our recent expedition to Waco. I would like to take this opportunity to both confirm and deny the aforesaid rumors. 1. Yes, we did go to Baylor. Although the reasons behind this impulse remain mysterious to this day. It all began with a cookout. And water. We drank some water (purified) and cooked out. Turff talked to one of his female acquaintances on his cellular phone, the next thing you know, a water bottle was smashed on the driveway, we loaded into Mitchell’s beamer, got hit on by an old lady in Hico, three minutes later, we were in Waco. I have a theory as to why we went. This girl that Turff was talking to. She said that in Waco, we could find a life-sized statue of Milovan Djilas (Djilas is an obscure Serbian nationalist, who was apart of the communist government under Tito there during the Cold War. He wrote a book. Entitled: Conversations with Stalin. He wrote after having some conversations with Josef Stalin, as indicated by the title. Djilas has a lot of insight into the cultural and social causes that led to the breakup of Yugoslavia in the earl 1990’s. This is all interesting enough, and a sufficient reason for driving to Waco. However, there’s more. Legend has it that this statue actually contains the keys to a 1988 Volvo. We ain’t tryin’ to pass up a Volvo.). Needless to say, we wanted that statue, and Turff wanted a wife.
Upon arrival, we discovered that Turff’s girl’s previously supposed hot roommates were, in fact, not hot at all. They were obese. Not in the way that Luis can look past. But, like Luis. Think Luis with long hair and make up. And tighter clothes. And some of those big bead necklaces. Good. You’ve now got a good mental image of the roommates. This was the last time we saw Turff the entire weekend. He went upstairs and didn’t come down until Sunday. I can only assume that he got lost on the staircase. The only other plausible explanation would be a Time Continuum Vortex. But. Those are very rare, and usually only seen in Back to the Future. Me, Mitchell, and Chrane decided to search for the statue. We went to two frat houses. Were unimpressed. Peed on an air conditioner. Yelled at people. Met a guy named Barrett who had a helicopter. Yelled at more people. Went back to our original destination. Disappointed in the lack of action. Chrane and Mitchell went to bed.
There’s been a lot of talk about me waking up in some strange girls bathroom with all of my clothes on. I believe it stems from one of my very good friends bathroom exploit in the kitchen last year. I’d like to explain myself. Yes. I did wake up in a strange girls bathroom with all of my clothes on. But. There was a reason.
I was going about my normal bathroom business on that fateful Friday night. I was done, and washing my hands. I watched as soap bubbles sopped off of my now pure hands. When I looked into the mirror, I saw something I never would have thought I would see. Instead of staring back at myself, I found myself staring at Pope Benedict XVI (Late me take this opportunity to say that I have nothing against Roman Catholics. I dislike Canadian Catholics, because of what they stand for, but the Roman ones are alright with me. In fact, I think they’re pretty progressive. I can guarantee you that my preacher would never wear a dress and a three-foot tall hat to the pulpit. That’s groundbreaking. What’s even more groundbreaking is that they’ve been breaking that same ground for the past 2,000 years. That’s dedication. Plus, their stained glass windows are way tighter than our stained glass windows). Me and Benny stood their for a few minutes. He smiled. I laughed. We discussed Transubstantiation. Pro’s and Con’s. Then we got down to business. Benny informed me that he was not in this particular mirror merely to expand my theological perspective. He wanted to tell me where the Djilas statue was. It was in the mirror. This girl had one of those especially sweet mirrors that open and you can store like your toothpaste, toothbrush, and razors and stuff in. This especially special mirror was even more especially special than I or Benny had bargained on. It contained the Djilas statue and the Volvo. How those two monstrously huge and cool things fit into the mirror I don’t think I’ll ever know. I personally think that an ancient wizard was involved; Turff thinks it was just the ghost of Nathan Bedford Forest having a laugh. I spent the rest of the night trying to figure out how to get the Volvo out of the bathroom. I finally got it out. It’s at Bynum’s house. Seriously. Check it out. I pretended to be asleep the next morning as a cover. I didn’t want those Luis-esque females to try to jack it and the statue from me. It was a glorious adventure.
Blues balls were not involved in this trip.
Blue Ballas were. (We each wore a blue shirt at least once on this trip.)
Follow Ron Paul’s lead and vote for a third party candidate.
Somebody call Drewery. Bid Night’s the 19th.
Posted by Bradley on 09/10 at 03:43 PM
(99) Comments
Page 1 of 1
